I go to start a blog, and... Lo and behold!

I already started one.

In 2009.

What the fuck, I'll keep it all up and just continue. It could be interesting to see how much I've changed.

So! I'm 24, I've graduated college, I'm job searching while still gainfully employed, and I'm planning a wedding to the most amazing person I've ever met. For someone who has never really had a set plan in life, or even tried very hard to succeed for that matter... I'm doing pretty well for myself. Lucky me!

Having all of this stuff going on is what made me want to start a blog, really. I have so many THOUGHTS. And it'd be cool to give some opinions and ideas to those who are going through the same stuff. I mean, with planning a wedding, you really need all the help you can get. I'm in the easy beginning stages right now so I'm not feeling the pressure yet, but I just -know- that shit will get cray. But again, I'm engaged to my soulmate, so I'll come out fine. :]

I'm also a nanny, so that comes with lots of stories I can share. Here's one: I've never heard someone "scream bloody murder" until I began nannying these kids. Every injury is just THE END OF THE WORLD. One of them got stung by a wasp the other day, which I know sucks, but it sounded like he had just had his hand amputated, it was nuts.

That's me. Follow if you like!

My empty room
Crowded to soon
I look for the fire escape
I picture myself
Running like hell
Making my getaway

The walls are caving in with no warning
This ship is sinking, I gotta swim for it
I'm running out of air

Break me out tonight
I wanna see the sun rising anywhere but here
Come with me
Oh, this could be
The only chance we get
We gotta take it
We don't do it now we'll never make it
Lose this crowd
Oh break me out

Whisper of our feet
Sneak down the street
Some kind of secret race
They'll carry on
Won't notice we're gone
So easily replaced

The walls are caving in with no warning
This ship is sinking, I gotta swim for it
I'm running out of air

Break me out tonight
I wanna see the sun rising anywhere but here
Come with me
Oh, this could be
The only chance we get
We gotta take it
We don't do it now we'll never make it
Lose this crowd
Oh break me out

The walls are caving in with no warning
This ship is sinking, I gotta swim for it
I got a feeling we're better off anyway
I don't care what they say

Break me out tonight
I wanna see the sun rising anywhere but here
Come with me
Oh, this could be
The only chance we get
We gotta take it
We don't do it now we'll never make it
Lose this crowd
Oh break me out

At the risk of sounding cliche, this song stirs up so many emotions in me. It's how I feel at this moment (Because when I'm home alone for -one day-, I get lonely and feel trapped, pretty ridiculous). But I also feel this way on a larger scale... That is, with how my life is going right now. I'm going to Kingwood College this year after attending a year of University. Not only does this feel like a huge step backwards, I also feel so fucking... I don't know, directionless. Like, I'm in this town for an indefnite amount of time. I'm stuck. I hate it. Uncertainty about the future always freaked me out, and I feel like the only one who doesn't have a clue what they're doing with their life or where they want to go. This transcends indiciveness. What if I'm just not good at anything? Ugh. Or I'll go with something I'm good at, but something that I hate and possibly pays shit. I dunno. Sometimes I want to stay in college forever, but sometimes I want to fast forward to when I'm comfortable with a job. But I can't even imagine that right now. Like, I can't imagine leaving all of my friends for god knows how long. I've never lived on my own before. I thought it would feel that way with Quinci, like I left all my friends behind and had to start over, but we ended up becoming best friends. So I had that security blanket all year, plus I didn't make very many of my own friends. Just hers. And that's not her fault in any way. Wooooo straying from the topic.

...What was I talking about?

Haha, whatever. That's about all that's on my mind, I think. Goodnight :)

I'm sick of summer and this waiting around

HEY YOU!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmwM_AKeMCk

It is your mission... Nay, your duty as a human being to watch the entire thing before HP6. Side-splitting laughter will ensue.

Wow

I gotta work on comforting people when they're upset. Storytime.

My dad's kind of an ass about 80% of the time and my mom overreacts pretty frequently, just some background info.

Ok so: I was eating a baked potato (delicious, might I add) when my mom showed me a video of my cousins doing some very Jackass-y type disgusting things.  At one point a boy starting throwing up, and I like looked away and was like "Moooom, I'm eating!" and my dad, being the ass that he is, was like "WHAT are you doing, she's trying to eat!" and made it a huge deal that like ended in a fight, and then my mom went into her bedroom for a few minutes.  She came out in like tears and was like "Brooke... I'm sorry." And I was just like "Mom, noooo, stop!" because -I- certainly was not the one that made such a huge deal of it and in no way expected/wanted an apology, and she sat on the couch on started watching TV and I went back to my baked potato.

Anyway. Point of the story is, I really don't know how to deal with people when they're upset. Even when they're not overreacting, when they're genuinely sad, I just don't know what to do.  The best I can do is be there and listen to them talk about whatever it is that's bothering them.  A few weeks ago, a friend of mine was crying and my other friend and I were sitting on the couch awkwardly for a few minutes, and after awhile the girl I was sitting with went over to comfort the other one. It seemed like she just knew what to say, and totally calmed her down, and eventually was like "Brooke come over here! Group hug!" and that's about all the involvement I had :/

I don't know if this post is making any sense. Or if it even matters. But you blog about what's on your mind, and what's on my mind is this: I need to start being more compassionate, rather than just shut down when someone else is upset. I wanna make it better!

Meh

Oh, by the way, they (whoever "they" is) are trying to get the word "meh" in the English dictionary. Exciting, ne? My use of this word will finally be justified!

Anyway, just had a nice little epiphany, I guess you could say.  Things aren't going as I planned at all; My grades were mediocre, I didn't get into UT, and I may be growing apart from some of my really good friends. And up until recently, I thought all of this was terrible. I was really depressed about it.

But maybe it's a good thing.  I can't really think of a bright side to the shitty grades, but maybe not getting into UT is a good thing.  It could very well be a test of my determination. Like, do I really want it badly enough to continue working for it, even through failure (which I do not take very well)? 

And perhaps I needed to stay in Houston.  Maybe I wasn't quite ready to leave when I did for San Antonio... Maybe I need to "find myself" first, or at least figure a few things out.  I don't know.  All I know, is living here isn't as bad as I thought it would be.  I'm happy.  Maybe I'll get to UT when I'm actually ready to leave.

And the friends thing... I hate to say it, but that could be a good thing too.  It may be that my other friends were inhibiting to my.. I don't know... growth? Like, it's not as though they did anything wrong. Just, a weird "it's not you, it's me" thing, that maybe they held me down unintentionally.  And the people I'm growing closer to right now are great... These will be the people I'll be spending all of next semester with, which means we'll grow even closer.  Perhaps I was supposed to get to know these people.  Maybe they're the next step in "discovering myself."

And of course, this is all speculation.  This could just be me making the best out of a really shitty circumstance.  I'm sure I'll feel just as bad about this tomorrow as I did a few weeks ago.

But I'll take advantage of this current optimistic mood, and say: This is not the end of the world.  My life will go on, and I'll learn from this.

Haha, wow, sometimes you don't realize that you have something to say until you start blogging ^^

Night, all

Bad desicions

I'm starting to wonder if this whole "I'll try anything once" mentality is really such a good idea? 

Actually, I'm pretty sure it isn't.

Hrm. My life is heading in an interesting direction.

It's just weird, because a year or two ago, I'd never even consider doing some of these things.  And then as soon as the opportunity presents itself, I'm in? Where are my standards? Pshaw.

Anyway, not freaking out, just an observation.

I love how vague I am in these posts. Mwahaha. You shall never knoooooow what I am thinking :D

What good are goals with no drive?

I've been really down lately for some reason.  I think I know what the reason is, but I hate that it affects me at all, so I refuse to acknowledge it.  I guess what really matters is what I intend to do about it, anyway.

So I've been spending the last few weeks sulking, and it's ridiculous.  I cannot waste my last couple of weeks of -Freshman year- of college this way.  And I think what may help... seems too long term and hard to even be worth it.  But if I never try, how will I know? Who knows, it could be great.  Solve all my problems.  Make me feel a little better about myself.

Right now, I'm just anxious for summer.  As if that will solve all my problems...  But I realize that it won't.  I'll have to get a job, a few of my best friends have moved so I won't even see them, I may have to have some unpleasant confrontations.  I need to stop waiting for things to get better, and instead actively put into action things that -will- make it better.

I can't just wait around for next year, either.  It'll be great living in Austin (if that ends up happening), but I'm sure I'll feel like a failure the entire first semester... Every one of my friends made it into UT, as well as all three of my roommates.  Constant reminders.  I'll be the one that didn't get in.  The one that wasn't smart enough/hardworking enough to pull through.  Obviously no one will say that, but it's what I'll be thinking the entire time.  All of my friends are so smart! Ugh.

So anyway, point is, I'm gonna try to actually achieve my goals for once.  I've got the whole "dancing through life" thing going, for those of you who have seen Wicked.  Maybe it's time (actually, it's way past time) to stop just getting by okay, and start working my hardest and making something out of myself.

This is probably one of my goals that I will be too lazy to work toward, but I've always felt that writing things down (especially where people can see them) keeps me motivated.  Accountability does wonders for me.

Whew, first long blog post! Finally, haha.  Now you know a little bit about what's going on in my life.  Unless I'm being too vague... Which I probably am ^_~

Goodnight all.

Btw, pic unrelated. But so effing cute.